I’m having difficulty getting to the nub of this issue, which is actually the issue I guess.
This is the first starting point
Mothers’ Day is a funny thing these days. I find myself comparing myself to my mum more and more in terms of what she did, what she achieved, and what I’m achieving in the same time. She was a doer. She got a lot done, and I’ve felt a lot like I’m sitting on my hands since having children.
The problem is (and I don’t know whether this is me failing to cut myself slack) I don’t know which version of my mum to compare myself to.
I am racing pretty quickly toward 46 right now, and at 46, my mum had paid off her mortgage, she was elbow deep in DIY projects, she had finished a long career as a primary school teacher. She was starting a Fine Arts degree, and about to start a second life as an artist, and also about to hit breast cancer.
But at 46, my mum had a 20-year-old and an 18-year-old. She was at a more relaxed, less hands on stage of parenthood.
And she definitely did not have her shit together.
I don’t even remember my mum when she was where I am now, with a six-year-old and a three-year-old.
I was that three-year-old.
She could have been hanging on by her fingertips. I know she was a stay at home mum too, and I know from later on that that made a huge dent in her self-confidence. I know she struggled to make time and space for herself.
This is my second starting point.
I’ve been having a tricky time with the smallest small recently, where he asks me for something I don’t understand, and I try to work out what he’s saying, and he gets crazy frustrated and says ‘you know!!’
I don’t, but I feel empathy for that desire to express what you want, to understand it, and have others understand it.
And this is my third and final starting point
There’s a conversation I’ve been having recently with my dad, where we talk about his finances. He is doing pretty well. He’s having a comfortable retirement. As previously mentioned he paid off his mortgage by the time he turned 40, and he’s been saving ever since.
We discuss how he managed it.
He had a good career, but also it’s not as if he doesn’t spend his money. He enjoys holidays. He likes to eat good food, and he loves to buy books. His home insulation is mainly made up of books.
But crucially he doesn’t seem to want anything.
He never has.
And this is the thing. I want things all the time.
All sorts of things.
We have not a lot of money at the moment. Enough, but not much spare, for treats or frivolities. And that’s fine. We have made our choices, and we are where we are, but after six and a half years it feels hard. I feel like we deserve a treat.
There are things in the house we want to change, all the windows, the kitchen, the bedroom, the bathroom. I’d love to improve our insulation, get solar panels. I would love to landscape the garden, to set it up so that year on year it grows into itself.
I would like nicer clothes, I’d like my hair to look less grey. I’d like to go to the theatre, the cinema, out for meals.
And I’m terrible at knowing what I want.
Sometimes I’ll put something in my wishlist at a popular online store, and let it sit there until my next birthday or Christmas, when I sometimes have spending money, and I’ll finally buy it. It will turn up at my home, and I’ll instantly question why I wanted it in the first place.
I don’t think I really know what I want.
Do I want to be where my mum was when she was my age? Do I struggle to explain my wants? Do I want an unhealthy amount of things?
Recently I have started to write down the things that I want each month. Then I go back to them at the end of the month, and I ask myself what do I really want? What am I actually chasing?
Because nine times out of ten, I’m chasing a feeling.
I want to wear nicer clothes, or better make up, or get my hair to look less grey, because it means I get to control my appearance, to feel more put together, to feel in control, and to give an air of professionalism to the rest of the world.
And why do I want that?
Because I feel out of control, shabby and messed up. I brush my hair in the morning and tie it back and by the time we reach school and I’ve given a shoulder ride and a few cuddles, it’s half undone and everywhere. I’m wearing an ill fitting raincoat, and I’m a bit sweaty, and I feel unravelled.
I don’t know what actually resolves that feeling. It probably isn’t a moisturiser, but I think I’m on the right track. I’m asking the right questions.
And while I’m asking, I’m less likely to click on anything that says ‘buy now’. I guess that’s a good thing.